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4.7 ★★★★★
Based on 18 reviews
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★★★★★ 5
Deeply Compassionate, Clear and Truly Helpful
Format: Hardcover
Thank you Dr. Ramani for your clear and nuanced book on narcissism. You "get every aspect of it" and your deep and compassionate understanding shines throughout and is a healing balm for my soul. You truly see and know this territory and we are grateful for your understanding and depth of compassion. You have made such an important contribution to the healing of this world and to me personally. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I would like to also say that I've watched dozens of your videos on YouTube, also incredibly enlightening and helpful, and having the book was still a huge "add" for me. The way you laid everything out... it's just such a relief. This book is seared into my soul in the best, most compassionate, enpowering way. My view on forgiveness is different than yours. Forgiveness sets my own heart free and I don't pair it with second chances or staying in toxic relationships. I damaged my health and wellbeing through misplaced empathy and compassion... trying to overly help or fix the other when they didn't have the interest or capacity. No more. I have reclaimed my physical and mental health. Narcissists have not yet found their hearts and my wish for them is that one day far away, at some point in their next lives, they will.
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Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2026
★★★★★ 5
A Wake-Up Call: Detailed and Accurate Explanations on How To Survive Narcissistic Abuse!
Format: Hardcover
People are suffering in silence in narcissistic relationships that make them feel emotionally distressed all while they are trauma bonded and can't seem to leave.
To me often narcissists seem unaware of what they are doing all while leaving chaos in their wake. To be honest I feel they are generally lacking in awareness even though by my very nature I point out the inconsistencies directly to them, challenging their own beliefs about themselves.
Half the time narcissists seem to me like loving and caring people, while the other half of the time they are angry, temperamental, selfish and controlling. All while they seek narcissistic supply or compliments all the time. I know how to make them happy now, but I still find myself objecting to how they treat me. So what is lacking is often any real change for the better while I'm pulled along on the roller coaster ride. Sometimes you feel like you are dealing with a will of iron because they just won't change or adapt.
So it was with great interest that I read this book to see if in fact the author had any suggestions for dealing directly with narcissists or was it more like herding cats, completely hopeless?
The truth is, this author is concerned for the survivors of abuse even while she understand the behavior of narcissist to be the problem. What I found in this book affected me profoundly and made me feel validated. I've rarely seen so much compassion, so much deep insight and reality checks. The message of this book is to learn how to “interact with them differently.” This is a ray of hope in a dark world.
This book is probably the most detailed and accurate portrayal of narcissism I've ever read. It is very true to life. By page 24 I was saying “Wow, this author really understands every level of how a narcissistic person thinks!” It was ultimately revealing. You will laugh! You will cry! This is really a study in human nature.
If you are experiencing unrelenting anxiety, panic attacks, crying, confusion, feeling needed then rejected, experiencing someone making cruel comments, dealing with manipulation then feeling blissful for days on end when things go well! You need this book! Even if the narcissism is not that extreme, there are methods of dealing with it.
The only thing I felt I must say after reading this book was that forgiveness is for you! If the other person doesn't care you've forgiven them then at least you are free. If they never say they are sorry. At least you are free. I felt anger and lots of other negative emotions for years before I finally gave up and just said enough is enough and forgave. One of my narcissistic relationships has healed (boundaries are in place) and is fine now with no more abuse. So it can happen. Other relationships are still in progress.
I am not a doctor or therapist. This review is not medical advice. Please consult with your own psychologist or counselor before taking any advice.
~The Rebecca Review
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Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2024
★★★★★ 5
A fitting title for a fantastic healing book
Format: Kindle
Firstly, I was very hesitant to jump on the trend of calling anyone who has mistreated me a narcissist or see myself as a victim of narcissistic abuse. Every time I hear a person casually apply the word to an ex or a family member who mistreated them, I innerly roll my eyes. The narcissist label has been overly used and abused and probably doesn't apply to most people who casually use the word. In fact, I was so dismissive of people generously over using the word, that I dismissed the reality that I was actually a textbook case of an individual who grew up under the abuse and control of a narcissist . This book has helped me identify that reality and helped me begin to heal.
The author, Dr. Ramani Durvasula does an excellent job of making the topic approachable and relatable to victims of different genders, ages and life circumstances who all share the core elements of narcissistic abuse. She shares many stories covering all aspects of abuse, from romantic relationships, employers to family. So, you won't feel left out. But, the best part is, no matter if she's talking about romantic or family narcissistic abuse you will relate to the abuse. The book is well written, never too technical and very engaging. Its an easy and pleasurable read.
A few years ago, I came across another psychologist on Youtube who talked about the signs of a narcissist and even though they applied to my family member, I dismissed the fact that I was abused, until I subsequently came to the conclusion on my own years later after realizing I was being gaslighted and triangulated ALL my life and until this day. I was so confused and thought I could help the situation, until I realized that things weren't going to change after decades of trying and the person actually likes the mind games. This book has confirmed many things I've observed and experienced in my life and thus the title, "it's Not You," is so apropos. Reading the book was like actually having a conversation with a therapist who spoke as though they knew everything about my situation, as if they were reading my mind. This book has helped me fully come out of denial and embrace the reality of not only the narcissistic family member and abuse, but also the propensity I have in attracting narcissistic people into my life. But, this book has left me with a happy ending of awareness of the wound that was left unattended and unhealed, that is now healing. I invite anyone who think they are alone or think are imagining narcissistic abuse and want to have a conversation with themselves through reading the pages of this well written book, to finally put yourself first and allow your truth to speak and heal you. Start freeing yourself by investing and reading this wonderful book.
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Reviewed in the United States on January 30, 2025
★★★★★ 5
Audiobook conveys message even better than author’s eloquent, precise words in a book
Format: Audiobook, Format: Audiobook
Target audience: non-narcissistic people who have been adversely impacted by pathologically narcissistic individuals.
“It’s Not You” is one of those books where the audiobook *greatly* enhances, optimizes & completes the reader’s understanding of the author’s message & information. Read-by-the-author audiobooks have the advantage of having emphases & nuances conveyed as the author intended. And this author verbal communication is highly nuanced & expressive.
Ramani Durvasula not only has the credentials, depth of experience & cohesive understanding of pathologies of the human psyche, especially Axis II conditions, she has the rare combination of experience & competency to diagnose & treat both:
1) a) pathological individuals w/narcissistic thought & behavior patterns &/or b) NPD patients meeting diagnostic criteria (“treat” includes attenuate, not necessarily “cure”, esp conditions w/ poor prognosis)
2) those adversely impacted by the damage inflicted on people in the pathological individual’s lives.
At the risk of being repetitive, this book is aimed at the 2nd population.
In online spaces, Durvasula has been criticized by the 1st population, which is to be expected. Combating, destroying ANY *perceived* criticism is an *expected* part of narcissistic pathology (as well as avoidantly attached individuals, many of whom are also narcissistic).
This book is an excellent companion to the solid, publicly accessible online via her videos (free) as well as the modestly priced online healing program. Finding good resources to help those affected by the pathological narcissist is an incredibly challenging task. Rare are the “counselors”, “therapists” & other resources who can truly help make genuine, sustainable substantial headway on the task of recovering from adverse impacts inflicted by pathological narcissists.
Ramani Durvasula’s resources are the opposite - practically makes up for wasted time & resources “auditioning” ineffective therapists, reading books, attending group therapies etc.
While my personal tool kit for recovery is evolving (as is the science), Durvasula’s material, including “It’s Not You” is a permanent part of my tool kit.
As of Nov 2024, additional & complementary resources I’ve found helpful:
- “It’s Not You” is a well complemented by: Peter Solerno’s Aug 2024 The Nature and Nurture of Narcissism: Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the Perspective of Gene - Environment Interaction, a book I purchased for the citations/bibliography & have been delightfully surprised by the writing. . . Solerno & Durvasula are stylistic different in their delivery. I sincerely appreciate both.
- Work & online material of Les Carter.
- Jackson MacKenzie’s books RIP
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Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2024
★★★★★ 5
Healing from a narcissistic organization/ family member
Format: Hardcover
Dr. Ramani does a excellent job helping victims of narcissistic relationships in this book. As a brown male who was part of an organization and had a family member who had narcissistic tendencies, I needed help returning back to myself. This book helped in every way to become free and heal from these relationships, and not return back to those types of relationships. Thanks for writing this book, Dr Ramani!
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Reviewed in the United States on May 6, 2026
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